On the brink again... Homelessness this week... Bad Jobs, Teeth Cleaning and a Drug Addicted Mother

Bad Jobs

I have to say there's nothing like saying FUCK YOU to a shit ass job :) I was able to quit the lying job I had answering phones for this Company:  http://www.nationsinfocorp.com/
5951 Encina Rd  Goleta, CA 93117
(805) 845-5214
I felt like there was a big load of shit lifted from my shoulders today not having to sit there and lie for these fuckers any longer. I am so sick of having to pimp myself out for lying sacks of shit! I feel like the same whore when I make $80,000 Yr. lying for a Board of Directors or $10.00 Hr. sending a refund application that is going to be shredded when I tell the customer to send it back in for a refund. If you lie and sell out your integrity you are nothing more than a whore. I was willing and I am glad I was a whore for a couple months because it kept me off the streets. I believe you do have to try and be self supporting. I also believe there is a point to say FUCK YOU and move on to better shit. I am again on the brink of having to sell the van and going all the way down to the street if this next job does not pop. I feel like I am going to get a job in Simi Valley so everything should work out just fine but all I can do is plan the action and leave the results to God. I can honestly say I worked there as long as I could. So I am sure I will be blessed in some larger way now. (Great news to come soon)... People don't realize how hard it is to work 32-40 hours a week in a shitty job and be homeless and have to spend 2 hours in the gym to get ready, etc... I do now and it SUCKS! I again am humbled by the many homeless that have it so much worse than I do. All I could do today after work is just lay down and crash out for like 3 hours. I am at Denny's now doing this so maybe I can get this shit off my mind and go to sleep sometime tonight. It was 6:00PM to 9:00PM that I crashed out. so I will be up for a while.

I would still not trade the $80,000 a Yr. job though for being free and being able to be myself and say what I want to say. That is why I am still blogging my true feelings. I want my life to be an expression of my art when I do it again and for now this moment. Writing this Blog Post is my art today, next week I hope it will be expressed on clay again. I am going to blow it UP! when I get a chance to do it again. (One of the reasons for going through this crap I believe). I have to be true to myself and walk the walk in order to not be a whore. That means lying for assholes at work or smoking and ignoring the health concerns. I am pimping my body out for a quick fix. I want Ceramic Tattoo Art to be a great representation of someone that is caring for himself and is caring for others. I want my art to speak out to the world and if I want that it better be dam good. I need to start taking it ALL seriously. Art is a reflection of life and it can be a negative one or a good one. People tend to like the negative shit but they also like the positive good stuff too. Lisa gave me an idea this week:  To sell one ceramic tile for a retail price and then to sell the other for California Homeless Resources. I could do sets of tiles like fire and ice. I love the idea and maybe this will be the hook I need to get the tattoo community involved in both Ceramic Tattoo Art and California Homeless Resources. I want to give them away to celebs, auction them off at charity events and to hang them on Tattoo shop walls. That is the plan so we will see if God agrees..

Teeth Cleaning

I got my teeth cleaned today FINALLY... I said fuck the $1,000 worth of ticket payments and went for "paying myself first"... I thought before I do anything else I pimped myself for this money I may as well buy a shinier set of teeth. Bought some Nicorrette and said screw cigs for today anyway.  I need to keep fighting this shit somehow and this is one way to say here I am to the world. Besides movie stars have nice teeth...
 I'm not homeless, I'm not homeless, I'm not homeless, I'm not homeless, I'm not homeless

Drug Addicted Mother

Got another call from Mom this week. Every time I get a call I cringe... I can't stand to talk to her or hear from her. I know that is harsh but it is how I feel. All she does is just talk "At Me". She may as well b talking to the wall. She is sooooooo self absorbed and selfish. This is the heart of drug addiction, it takes your ability to care about anyone except yourself. A lot of you know my Grandmother committed suicide a couple years ago now. I blogged about it when it happened. Anyway, it is some hard shit dealing with family suicide/drug issues. I visited my Mother about 4 months ago and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to whiteness. The words for it are "incomprehensible demoralization". It was the most pitiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life and I have seen some shit. She is so selfish right now and I believe she is in "living purgatory". I say this because when my Grandmother committed suicide they found a duel suicide not from my Mom and they were supposed to be killing themselves together. Real Jerry Springer shit. I believe that she is paying for using suicide as a way to get sympathy for years now and then when she crossed the line and tried to convince my Grandmother to do it too, that was a line that God does not like crossed. They say when one of your family members gets Cancer the family has it to in some respects. I have been having to deal with this shit for 23+ years now and I am getting so tired of waiting for her to die. If it is not her telling me she is going to die I am worried that she really will die because of what she puts her body through. When I went over there 4 months ago she had a big purse filled with pills, drug suckers, pot, etc... I was there when she passed out continuously while sitting on the toilet. She gets high and sits on the toilet for hours at a time. When I was there she sat on it for 17+ hours straight. She has sat there so long her asshole has fallen out into the toilet. She has stretched her hamstrings so much she can literally bend over at the waist and her head can touch her knees and that is the way she sleeps at night. She also has a drug habit of picking at herself and her wounds. So while I was there she had an infection on both feet (had it for years now). She had lost some of her foot since the last time I saw her. The home nurse would come in and bandage her feet up but they don't heal because she sits on the toilet for hours/days and there is no circulation going to her legs. They have talked about amputating them. The dog was licking up the blood and pus oozing from her wounds. It is a fucking horror film. She eats, she smokes, she lives in the bathroom. This is because she used to go into the toilet and cry in pain (more pain than existed) for sympathy for years. It became her mode of operation a self fulfilling prophecy. It is a real good reminder to stay sober. Shit I will pray again tonight for God to take her. I know it sounds selfish but those of you who have lived this shit with there family will understand. It gets to a point after 20+ Years that you just want them to go. You want them to go for themselves and for you so you can move the fuck on with your life and not have to worry every dam day. It is a big fucken drain on your heart and soul. Anyway enough of that shit... 


Tyler Bryant has some bad ass music. I have been listening to this song so many times this week. It really strikes a cord with me and what I am going through right now.




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