I chose the topic of controlling your feelings tonight because I did not control my feelings. I am staying with them though and I need to blog about them to get out what is in my head and my grief therapists told me to do it too. Those of you who think I am completely fucken nutso that's just fine.. I again write this blog for myself and if you want to read it and you can get something out of it that's great. I also broke up with my girlfriend again so this has been a rough day…
My Mother and controlling my feelings: I spoke to my crazy ass Mother again tonight.. Always a real joy, Not! She is a real piece of work I will tell you what. She did sound as sane as I have heard her for years though as she was again telling me what a monster I am and how she prays every night to God that she is sorry for raising such a monster and that I can’t ever have a relationship that I am a total fuck up in life basically. Real fun stuff. My mother is a prescription pill addict. My Grandmother shot herself a little over a year ago and they had this fucken master plan that my Mother constructed to do it together - Hence the grief counselor I am going to. (Real nice person BTW). I go every Monday at 10:00AM. Have for about 3 weeks now and it is making me feel a lot better, kinda. It is bringing up a lot of shit but I guess I asked for it so I need to follow through and write about it and get it out so I can look at it. My mind is going a million miles a minute right now. I got off the phone with my Mom about 2 hours ago and I have been in a daze since. Went to the mall to return a few things and now at home writing this. I yelled a lot on the phone and I am totally horse right now. I yelled because she never lets me get a word in edgewise and that is usually why I just end up hanging up on her. I took the bait tonight like a dumbshit I guess but I did. Now I am paying for or it and I will by having to think about this shit for the next few days. Maybe writing it out can get rid of some of it and I can deal with this in a healthier way. I want to go have a cigarette but I should not do that and I just want to try and be with these feelings right now so I can move on and grow and not stay small like she has stayed in her life. I need and want to grow and become a better person. I know I am not a monster but it makes me sick to hear that from my own Mother. She knows it does that is why she does it. She wants to make me feel bad. She wants to push the buttons so that I will get mad so she can ratinioalize in her head that I am just a monster and that she does not have to be abused like that so that she won’t have to call me again for a while until the next time she gets lonely over the Holidays and wants to call someone and upset them. I am very upset at my Mom because she always talks about killing herself cuz she knows that gets to me. I end up saying go ahead and feel terrible. I say go ahead cuz I have been waiting for her to die for about 15 years now ever since she has had cancer and started to abuse prescription drugs. She is just a drug addict like I am and I know what she is doing. I guess I was feeling lonely and missing the family I had before too. I want the nice Christmases we used to have. I was telling my counselor the other day that if you were to look at my wedding picture about 10 years ago you would see about 25 people or so. My family and my wife’s side of the family. I only talk to my Dad and Uncle right now out of all those people. Families are families and I know that I had a good 25 years of great Christmases but it makes me sad. I am feeling sorry for myself but need to I guess to get passed the old family I had and get ready for the new family and atmosphere that I am going to create for myself now. I am happy with the kinds of great friends that I am allowing in my life. I am at the point in my life of getting ready for the next chapter. It is exciting and scary. I am looking forward to it and am enjoying the journey right now. I am healthy and really don’t have a lot of complaints most of the time. I am just thinking about this and need to get it out. I feel like this is the only way I can get out my feelings and express myself cuz I don’t have my art to do. I am so looking forward to getting back into that and having that in my life again. I need to get a job and get a place to live again so I can do my urns. I am happy though right now just living inside and having a nice room to stay in. It is sure a lot better that staying in a cold ass van all night! So anyway, “Staying with your feelings”. My counselor wanted me to do that so that is what I am doing tonight. I am staying with them but not reacting in the normal way I usually would. I would usually overeat or go smoke, call a friend and bitch, whatever but I need to feel this shit so that I can make “different mistakes” in the future. If I don’t really express myself and do this writing I know I am bound to repeat the same shit and you know what they say about insanity which I am some of the time – “doing the same thing expecting different results” so I am trying this writing thing and just being with my feelings about this shit tonight and we will see how it turns out? I am supposed to write my Grandmother and eventually take this letter to her grave cuz I was unable to go because of my fucken Mom.. Was unable to go to both my Grandparents funerals. This is one of the reason I decided to go to Hospice and see a counselor. I am glad that I did. I am all about using the free services or whatever is available to you to grow this year. That I can tell you is working out. Using my will to try and get help for some of the challenges that I am faced with. Growing up I guess and learning how to ask for help and then being able to give back to people. Good stuff. I was yelling over my Mother to try and get my point across and she started to tell me why my Grandmother killed herself and I just started to yell and yell at her saying that I don’t want to know. It really, REALLY disturbs me to know why and to think about the last 5 minutes of my grandmothers life. It disturbs me cuz I hate to think of her feeling like their was no other way out but to take her own life. I wrote a letter to her the other day I guess I will share that letter since I am sharing all this shit anyway.. Here is the letter I wrote:
I am told that writing you is in my best interest to get things out and start to deal with your loss. I just got done flying a little helicopter that I purchased for someone else but could not wait and played with it myself. Popo would have LOVED it and I totally thought of him when I started to play with it. I miss you coming over in the early morning on Christmas and being so excited. It makes me sad and angry to think that this year I will not have that smiling face to look at and that warm hug to greet me in the morning. I love you as high as the sky and I miss you VERY much! I am pissed at the way things turned out and I am also grateful that you wanted me to live a happy life and a life where I was not having to take care of you. I wanted to though and I wish you could have seen that. I wanted to have Miles and me there for you and Popo to take care of you. We could have worked it out but I guess you either wanted me to live my life for me and not to have to worry about you or you were just mean cuz you were on drugs. Either way I miss you and I think it sucks to go on without you here to talk to and to hear you say how much you loved me and how special I was in your life. I know you know that I did not mean in any way to hurt you EVER.. I just wish we could have been there for each other. I know that you could not let go of Mom and that you would take her anyway you could have her because you were so heartbroken when your son Mark died. I know you could not handle practicing tough love on her and that you needed to have her and you took that relationship over ours. I know that you knew how sick Mom was and is and that you felt bad that you did not listen to me when I said that we need to do an intervention. I know you know that I was speaking the truth and that you could just not deal with turning your back on her. I know that you love me and that you would do anything for me. I think I know that you did not want to burden me and that is partly why you did it? I don’t know why you did it and I don’t know if I want to ever know? I am confused about the whole thing and I do know that Mom and you were supposed to do it together which really disturbs me. It disturbs me because she put those thoughts in your head (that was filled with drugs) and that you guys were even talking about it.
I know she loved me very much and I also know my mom loves me in her sick way of doing it… I am proud of myself tonight that I did not have to go smoke and that I am taking some positive action and writing this blog post. It does help to write shit out and just to put it on paper. I have to stay focused on Cleaning house, trusting God and helping others right now, I guess writing out my feelings is a big part of me cleaning house for me so I can accept some good stuff in it. I don’t want to carry this shit around with me anymore. It hinders my relationships with other people and I want to continue to grow and have other nice people come into my life. I was also talking about how just waiting for the last 15 years to get the call that my mom killed herself or overdosed is like a big weight that I carry all the time. I know I must bring that with me into a number of relationships I have. Toney Robbins said one time in one of his tapes that you can choose what “tribe” you want to belong to anytime in your life. I belong to the AA Tribe and I love it. They are definitely my family and hopefully will be till the day I die. I can count on them as a whole. I don’t have to put my faith in just one person which is nice, I have learned that you can only rely rely on God anyway but AA is strong as a whole and I am so grateful for it in my life. My Mother gave that to me so I will always be grateful for her exposing me to the program. I often share in meetings that AA raised me.. I have learned about living life on life’s terms, paying the bills, brushing your teeth and a whole lot more from my AA family. My bio family meant well and taught me a lot but it seems like when you really start to grow up you need to really see if the lessons they did teach you were really the right ones for you? I know that a lot of what my family taught me (Mom and Grandmother) was just how to be sick and manipulative. I am also writing this blog post because I am so excited to read the story of The Girls Guide to Homelessness by Brianna Karp. I found her story online and could relate to it so much! I wish I was a writer and did that.. I will just stick to blogging for now but I am really looking forward to reading this book in the next few days. I wrote her an e-mail and her publicist said that she would forward it to her. I told her that I am doing my website because of my 6 month homeless stint the California HomelessResources website. So, now I guess I will write about Christmas this year.
Christmas This Year: It is going to be different. Not bad and not the best ever probably but one never knows… I am going to enjoy my alone time and try not to put any big expectations on it. I see that and have done that myself so many times. I am changing that little tradition too. I am making a conscious choice to change a lot of things in my life. One of the reasons I broke up with my sweet girlfriend. I won’t go into detail cuz I don’t really need to. She is a sweaty and I really don’t have anything bad to say about her at all. She has been so good to me, we just need different things. Anyway, she was getting “caught up”. I don’t need it man.. I have learned through going through my homeless thing that I am not going to get caught up again and when I do feel it happening I am going to stop it! I stopped it today and did not choose to get on the crazy Christmas train of having to do everything every minute and rushing around not being good to yourself. I swam this morning and then after we had an argument went to get something to eat and took a nap. I am also proud of myself for that. I didn’t have to yell at her I just accepted that I want something different this year and I don’t want to be caught up in the “rat race” any more. I am so glad to be out of that train of thinking that when I experience it with the ones I love and see it around most people in society right now I just want to go the other way. That is one of the big lessons that I have learned and want to keep fresh in my mind that I can choose to be in society and go with the rat race flow of constant shit or I can just take myself out any time I want to. Today I chose to do Christmas different. I didn’t want to go in the first place because I could not afford it. So I was already not being true to myself and living life on life’s terms, mistake number one. Mistake number two was going to the mall and buying a bunch of shit I could not afford because it was the rat race society bullshit thing to do. The Third mistake was going on the week trip and not staying true to what I really wanted and needed to do which was to save my money this month to put gas in the car and ensure that I could eat for the next two weeks and to pay rent on the first. It had nothing to do with her; she was just being and doing what most of society expects from her. I have been there so many times myself that how could I really get mad at her? I can leave though when someone is not willing to get out of that and chooses to stay in it. All I can change is myself – Like the Serenity Prayer – God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I can’t change (I always add: people, places and things). I can’t change her or society but I can surrender to win and take myself out of a situation that I feel is not benefiting me. The old line from the other person is always “I feel sorry for you, because you are going to end up alone” BULLSHIT! I am never alone and I sure will not end up that way… As long as I stay sober and keep trying my best to be true to me I will be just fine. It is when I relinquish my right to be me and stay true to myself that I get into trouble later. So we will try this for a while longer cuz the staying true to yourself is working for me slowly but surely.