50th Day of Camping...

Wow, the big 50! I hit the big 40 on my B-Day last month and today is day number 50 camping. I am here - guess... Yes, you guessed it my second home McDonald's - awwwww the fresh smell of grease when I walk in the door... Just got back from the gym and had a nice shower and jacuzzi. I love laying out by the pool, they have a wonderful pool and jacuzzi. I am so glad to be back in Santa Barbara!

Job Search Update:  It sucks.. I went to my Dads house in Murietta on Wed. night for an interview in San Diego Thursday at 4:30PM. I pre-qualify the interview by stating that I am 2 months now with out a paycheck and that it would be  a big deal to come all that way down to So. Ca. right now and maybe to save me to the end of the process and what does this guy do but tell me he is sorry but if he has to break in at 20 minutes and close the interview he is sorry but he just has to many interviews today and that he is going to make a decision to do second interviews next week and will let me know Friday or Sat. What a fucken little asshole! He is a rich kid that is smart and works hard but has no fucken experience interviewing. He had his wife there to remind him what to say.. Fuck!  He is supposed to call me back Friday or Sat. and let me know, I say fuck it the guy and me won't mix. If he reads this we really won't mix haha. Fuck it, it is not right. I don't want to work with someone that is below me and making a hell of a lot more money than I am. His original ad posted for $20-30,000 Yr. and he said it would be $30-36,000 over the phone. Fuck head thinks someone could live on that. I would have to camp in the van for that amount of money. People will get what they pay for... They can try and take advantage of people right now with the economy but when it starts to come back they will get fucked. You have to invest in good people and pay them well in my opinion even if the economy is bad and you can get away with not paying as well. That just means you are a cheep bastard and you suck in my book. I would rather camp here in paradise...Won't be going back for a second interview....

It was a good trip though in the respect that I got to give my Dad the family pictures and get them out of the van. I like to visit my Dad every couple of months anyway. I had to ask him for a loan of $200.00 and I sold my nickel plated 357 gun I had to a friend of mine for another $200.00 to pay a phone bill and buy gas for the gas hog. Sold the gun to a good friend John (AA sponsor of 16 years) I like to see him too when I go down to So. Ca. He said I should go back to school and become a drug and alcohol counselor. I think I do want to get into some kind of social work if I am going to be forced to change careers. I like this place I went to today called Deverox in Santa Barbara. They help the disabled people and I applied for a part time day time social worker position today. Yes you have to wipe asses but this position was a lot better than the one at Genisis and much more a professional atmosphere. Beautiful landscaping and very nice staff. You only help men too that helps with the decision to go forward with applying. I could not get a grip on helping a female go to the bathroom but I could help a male. $9.00 part time but I could go back to school and get my AA in drug and alcohol counseling and go for a better position in a couple years. It would not be the worse thing in the world. I am getting more used to the idea actually. I can make some money while doing this shit too the State of Ca. will pay you pretty good for going to school and working part time. I also while I was talking to the two black gals found out about applying for disability. Very good thing, I am partially disabled and I got my Doc today to fill out the form next week to put me on this. I wish I would of known before but I will get the same as Unemployment - $450.00 a week for a year. After that I could get permanent disability. Fuck it I will play the game. I am pretty good at it actually I am getting a ll kinds of free shit so I may as well keep going with what is working right?

Came back to Santa Barbara the same day and got back into town at 2:00am in the morning for a interview at 11:00AM the next day with Casa Esperanza (homeless shelter in Santa Barbara) as a social worker, yes I was going to check in a couple weeks ago haha. I met with the director their and she seemed to think I was overqualified I could tell. I was going for a Human Recourse Manager position but all she had was a part time on-call staff position. She was nice though and maybe she can refer me to another person in town? While I was at the homeless shelter waiting for the appointment I got to sit down with a couple of black gals and hoot the shit. It was pretty cool finding out more ways to get free help from the government. I don't like doing this but I really have no choice at this time. I need the help and will do everything I can do to survive - to a point. I went to an interview for Obama Fund raising place in downtown for $10.00 hour and walked the fuck out. I won't stoop that low in my work at this point. I would rather take a stiff drink and have a smoke first. That may be week but hey at least I was willing to go to the fucken interview right? It was a stressful day and I am very tired today. I used food and got some chocolate with the food stamps - they are still fucking me up... I want a hot meal not some fucken crackers and cheese or juice. I want something from the deli. I don't know why they don't let you buy shit from the deli??? Does anyone know that, please let me know the fucken reason...

Anyway, I have eaten better but I at least did not smoke today. It is getting closer though and I am afraid of it actually. I met with my sponsor and that was a huge trigger for me cuz I used to love to smoke with him and have coffee. Then when I went to the the homeless shelter and saw everyone smoking it fucked me up too. The smell got me and I actually smoke a little smelling it and that triggers me physycally...  I want one really bad and I am trying my hardest to deal with it and not give in. Self care - I need to be better to myself and cut the stress in the next few days so I won't give into it. I have been sober from cigs since since Oct. 8hth and I am really proud of myself I really don't want to go back but I really want the "friend" and the cruch right now. So I am writing about it and maybe this will take the power out of it for me and I won't have to light up... I sure as hell can't afford it and I have beginning stages of emphysema anyway so I just need to be cool. Bad fucken addiction...

I went to a meeting at 12:00 and one of my favorite people lead the meeting and the topic was on Chapter 5 and it was a really a great meeting. We only had like about 5 people and it was one of those really nice intimate meetings where you could just totally express yourself and take a break form the day. Just what I needed today. I read Chapter 5 and the first paragraph states:
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
I can really relate to the honesty part. I shared about being wiling to go to any length to stay sober but I was not willing to go to any length to be self supportive today. Because I turned down the telemarketing job. I was feeling kinda bad for walking out. But then another member said that he thought that was a good decision because some jobs are toxic and it is better if we avoid them at all costs. I agree 100% and I was proud of myself for demanding better and walking the fuck out. Anyway, chapter 5 and honesty - I have developed and try to practice a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Not a easy thing to do at all times. If you have ever tried to do it, it is fucken hard to be true to yourself all the time. Just reminds me that this program is for the men not the boys in life. It is not easy living this program but it is totally worth the peace and serenity I get from trying to live it to the best of my ability. I can sleep at night and I sleep really good, even if it is in my van. I have been fortunate to be able to look at myself honestly when I am at a AA meeting and that is one of the reasons I go on a regular basis is to remind myself not to bullshit myself...

I did get a scare today - Charby the cat was overheated when I came out of the doctors. I was scared because he was panting really heavy. I went to the beach and got some beach air on him and he came out of it. I have to be mindful of this and make sure that in the afternoons I go to the beach and chill. I don't know what I am going to do when i get a job but I need to be mindful. I love him he is my "road kitty"...







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