I wish I was normal (sometimes) haha. I am such a addict in every way shape and form! I am addicted to everything, food has always been a issue for me. I was Bulimic and anorexic when I was 13 or 14 and then it just went to compulsive overeating and compulsive everything after that. I will tell on myself again just cuz fuck it it is funny or sad what ever you think... If you are like me and a compulsive over eater then you will relate if you are not you will think I am a fucken freak. I ate so much fucken tri tip steak at
F.McKlintocks Saloon and Dining House one day that I almost killed myself a couple years ago. They fix these tri tip steak kabobs and they were BBQ'Ing at the San Luis Obispo Thursday night
Farmers Market. I had about 4 of these things and then we decided to go to the actual restaurant for dinner after this. I proceeded to have a huge steak dinner and ate off her plate as well. I had such bad heart palpitations that night that I seriously thought I would die. I had to stay up and pray I would make it until the steak digested, hows that for a real sick fucker... haha. I am something else. But I am sober haha. We are not saints it says in the program and I am sure glad it says that cuz I have made every fucken mistake in the book besides not picking up a drink. Progress not perfection... t is a one day at a time thing for me and today was not all that great. I did OK until it came to McDonald for my nightly all you can drink soda and greasy ass McDouble for a $1.00 not so good for you.. I remember watching that show on TV about
30 days and this guy and his girlfriend tried to make it on minimum, wage for 30 days and they talked about eating crap like this cuz of the low price.
Also the supersize me video. It is a vicious circle of feeling bad but then you want something hot and you go back for it. I started out good today going to the store and using my food stamp credit card to buy a Naked fruit drink and some cashews after working out and swimming some laps at the gym this morning. Then I went back to buy some lunch meat and crackers and pudding (fucken pudding) then I went back to get some candy (see where this is going).. I obsess on everything and especially something that will change the way I am feeling. I ate OK until I came here to McDonlads and ordered the McDouble and coke. I am addicted to certain foods like Chocolate and sugar, etc.. They set me on a run and I just keep going until the pain get to much. I am acknowledging this through this blog so maybe my shit will change. I can eat right and keep my body in good shape to make it through this tuff time or be an asshole and eat like shit until I totally crap out or go drink. I will try and change and eat better tomorrow. It is the boredom of not having my business to go after and work, etc... I know but I have to stay strong and keep things moving in the right direction no matter what right now. I can not give into my demons right now. Usually I can't have anything good in the house or frig cuz I will just go through it like pac man. I am not proud of this and I don't want anyone to get the impression I am, I am just an addict trying to live one day at a time. in times of stress I go to food for state change. So back to the fucken food stamps, something about being able to just use the card to buy what I want sent me for a spin this week and I need to watch that or get used to buying good stuff to eat. I like to eat cheep cuz I only get stuff I NEED to eat and not what I want to eat. I am obsessing about the card and the money on the card and what i should buy with it to feed myself not good at making decisions like this obviously. I need some more OA Meeting's I guess. I just feel like I need to live at meetings sometimes to protect myself from myself.
OK enough negative talk. Something good that happend today is that I got to go to a good AA Meeting at 12:00 and then go to the beach and take a nap. I love to go to the beach and take a nap in the afternoon. I love Goleta and want to stay here so bad. I park the van in the parking lot and get to open the door and get into my bed and watch and listen to the ocean. Pretty awesome. Oh and I did e-mail my friend (the President of
Inked Magazine to see if I could get a job somewhere in the Tattoo Industry. Don is the President and he gave me a great link on his
Inked Magazine website a few months ago. I made him a Japanees tiger vase and he is a cool dude. Maybe I can get together with him in some way. That would be killer cuz of the ceramic tattoo idea I have.
My friend gave me a lead at the
Casa Esperanza program for the homeless here in Santa Barbara. I drove by but was so freaked out I drove off. I may need to go talk to them and see if they can do something for me. I don't want to and I have another week or so until I will have to do this. I don't want to do this cuz of the obvious reason and having to share living arrangements freaks me out. I also have my cat and I don't want him to be alone at night. I also don't want to get stuck at a place and have to sell the van and take a bus to some shit ass place to work and get stuck. OK stay possitive... Well the weekends like this are tuff cuz I don't have anything to do like look for work, I guess I could but I need to take a break at some point and the weekends usually suck to call people and stuff. I will make it through this weekend...
Till next time...
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