44th Day of Camping... Oh shit the van won't start...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113

SHIT! the fucken van stopped working today!!! I won't ask what else can go wrong cuz I know more shit can but FUCK! I woke up sick as shit.. was on the way to K-Mart to get some cotton candy (I always smile when eating cotton candy) and I come out and the fucken van won't start.. It finally starts and I take it to the mechanic and he says that it is going to take him like 2-3 hours just to diagnose it. and then another whatever to fix the dam thing. If anyone has a "brown fucken finger" lately it is me baby!!! haha

life is a trip and it sure is in session. I am freaking a little bit today but as I sit here in yes you guessed it -Mc_ _ _ I am thinking fuck everyday is different and tomorrow is another day. When the van broke down I was like in shock that this could happen for some reason.. I went to the library and got 3 books and some more food to hunker down for the weekend. I will be just resting anyway cuz I have this dam cold. Next week will be better. I should get the job at the shelter. I  just hope I can get to the fucken job now. I will just have to learn to take the bus.. I will make that a project for myself next week when I feel better. I already got a schedule.

I WANT to stay here in Goleta where my gym I like is but I will not be able to afford it if I can't find something soon. I need to now spend like $300-400 on the van now to have reliable trnaspo. once I get the job. I also have just one more interview to maybe be able to make it to. cuz I only have enough money to get me to one more like 1/2 hour away. I have one possible regional manager position in Ventura I would like to go to but I don't know if I can make it. I will just have to ask a friend maybe to take me to the interview cuz I really want to see about that job. Other than that I think I will just set the date when my Gym membership runs out to go to the homeless shelter. I don't know what else I can do at this point. I just will keep looking and waiting and then looking and waiting some more until it breaks. I hope I get the job at the shelter and be able to be around other people in a similar position anyway. Maybe I can make some sort of difference and fe'l good about myself. I will push for this next week REALLY HARD!

I do have a inside look now at what being homeless is all about. Man, it is the mental shit that really fucks with you. Just looking for a job kicks your ass and then to be homeless too and on the edge of going all the way down. It is very stressfull and I don't know what I would have done without the gym and excerising to relieve some of the stress.

The biggest blessing I have is the friends and one friend in particular - I won't mention her name cuz I don't want to break anyone's anonymity but she has been a huge blessing to me. She has been such a wonderful loving person in my life the last couple of months. She brought me the greatest care package this morning (one of many) and left it by the van for me. It has smelling stuff for my congestion, lemons, water, all kinds of great stuff and I just really love her. If it wasn't for people like that in my life I don't know what I would be doing right now. Again, I am sure glad I put myself out there to be next to more people and to find great people to have in my life. I know that if I keep doing this and loving myself enough to have these people in my life that I will grow and be happier than ever.

I have a tendancy to try and cut and run or to really I guess think I am not good enough for people lik this in my life. That is a shame and something I need to work on. I obviously feel bad right now being that I can not reciprocate as I usually would when dating someone. But, I need ot remember that a relationship and love in particular is not about $$$ it is about giving and recieving love and letting that grow. Love is intangable. I know I have something to offer someone it is just hard right now going through this shit.

So, I took these pictures yesterday. People seem to be curious about what the inside of the van looks like so I will post them here. Charby is in a lot of them.. I like the van and I am looking forward to using it for my pottery business when I get it back. I am going to put Ceramic Tattoo Art on the side of it and go to art shows, etc...

Till next time...