42nd Day of Camping...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113


Camping:  Life is actually getting better and more clearer the more I stay camping and doing the next indicated step. I am looking at this time God has given to me as a time to reflect and re-group my priorities in life and I feel very fortunate to have had this time. I am not worried anymore and am actually excited to see what is going to open up for me. I have not smoked and that is HUGE for me! I have about 9 months now from smoking! I can't believe it and I think I am really quit for good this time - one day at a time. A cig still sounds good but working out like this and taking care of myself is really paying off and I have replaced good habits with bad it seems like. I have as of yesterday been parking the van by the gym and have lost my sacred triangle. The triangle was The street where I wake up to the gym, to the meeting at 12:00PM and then to McDonald's work on the Internet oh and then to the beach for my nap with charby... I It is cool though and I feel like this new schedule due to the fact I can not afford to put gas in the van is working out for me. It is forcing me to ride my bike which puts me in even better shape. I just leave the van by the gym an ride my bike to the meeting and then ride to the library afterwords to look for work and then go back to the gym for another swim or whatever to hang out. I then can ride to McDonald's if I feel like I have more energy like tonight. I am though looking forward to getting a job and getting back to my triangle!

Looking for Employment:  It is going slow as usual but hopeful. I feel like it is getting closer. I have an interview in Ventura soon to apply for a Regional Manager position and am excited about that. I would be managing like 12 properties and working out of the Corp. office in Ventura. I just wrote a summary for it and sent it off tonight.  I also have not yet heard form the guy that wants to retire here in Goleta? He was supposed to give me a call by today. I don't like that he did not say what he was going to do but lets give him one more day before I blast him haha. I really like him and his wife and want to stay here in Goleta and work for them. I also found another improved way to search for jobs in case anyone wants to know. I have obviously expanded my job search for all of California. I go to Craig's list and they list every City in that state to the right and you can search every city that way for a particular job you are looking for. It seems like Craig's List is really coming up the ranks as far as being the job search tool here in California at least. I have definitely had more calls and some I don't really want to get... I got one for an on-site apartment manager for this property located in Taft - What a shit whole place that is.. I will stay homeless in Santa Barbara thank you very much.. But the point is that I got the call from the owner and the expanded search did work. I talked to him for about 1/2 hour. I think he would hire me but like i said I am good for the gym and the cell phone for another few weeks so I think I will hold out the gamble to stay here in Paradise. I have gone this far I may as well play it out. I am really glad that I am sticking to my guns and throwing the dice to stay here even to this extreme. It gives me even more juice to keep going and work even harder. I am still looking at this as a cool challenge. That is why I am Blogging the date every post because every day I can live here and be following my dream the better. I will stay here and make a life for myself here. Sometimes in times like this economy it just takes you being even more savy and smart and to work just that much harder. It is still a game to me this living life sober thing, it is all gravy anyway cuz I should be 6 feet under or in jail anyway - Fuck it!

The "Justified Resentment":  It is getting better day by day.  I am making it a conscious effort every since I have talked to my sponsor about it to pray for her and ask for all the things that I should want for her to have in life, etc... I do mean it now just after a couple days of doing it and I have learned something else today as well and that is I need to now forgive her. This is the final step in giving up the resentment. It is weird cuzcuz I did give my heart to her and she is only the 3rd person I really gave my heart to in my love life so this one has been really hard for me.  The pain of a breakup or divorce is just awful and I hope I don't have to go through this shit to much more in my life. Maybe the next time I can really get to know the person before I just take the leap and jump in, give my heart to them and put the blinders on. I think this person is a good person and I know I have my part to play in the relationship like putting the blinders on for so long, etc...  When I really look at it we both tried and it just didn't fucken work out. Not cuz she was planning some plot to ruin me or some shit we just did not fit like we should have and didn't work well together financially and respect each other enough to work at keeping the love alive. The trust thing gets me but I can't control other people or there actions. All I can do is keep trusting and see if I can get someone to be in it for the long hall next time. But look at my shit I have been the one that ran and didn't put up with a lot of shit before so who I am I to talk to blame someone when it is done to me. All is fair in love and war. I think a part of it is that you have to be lucky and fall in love with that someone special and then realize you were lucky to find the person and work your ass off to keep the love alive. Love is something that can't be controlled or manipulated for long. It is a gift and something to treasure and treat with respect. When you have "It" and we all know what that is for us you need to respect it and be true to it. I was true to this last one for me and I am proud of myself that I was. But I was not the one who had to put up with the shit, she did. I was not working and doing my art full time and I know that is something that would be hard for anyone to handle and be patient with. Shit I have left relationships because I couldn't stand the kid or for what ever reason. If I mean the prayer that I pray and want to walk my talk then I can decide to forgive her (my trespassers) as they (the people I trespass against) can forgive me. I can do this, I know I can... I want to have a good healthy relationship in the future with that person that has "It". I will not be able to recognize it if I am still tangled up in old bullshit. We both have the debt to pay back for the chance we both took and lets leave it here. I will not be blogging about this shit again and I am really going to leave this shit right here on this blog tonight.

Thought I would put some dick on this blog since I have had so many requests and some people think I am discriminating...

Till next time....









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