24th day of Camping...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113


Just got back from a great AA Meeting. The topic was living in today and not tomorrow or the past, just what I needed to hear. I have been praying for my "justified resentment" to go away and for my ex to get everything I would wish for myself OK, I am trying to get there..  I am realizing my part and trying to keep it all in the proper prospective. People are fallible and it does not mean that they MEAN to do anything to you even though sometimes it seems as though they did. I feel like Doogie Houser in this blog writing down what happened for each day. Pretty cool, I never have kept a journal so this will be the first journal I have done and it will be good I think to be able to look back at this part of my life. I am frustrated and pissed but I do know that God is here for me and that I will have some major lessons to learn from this part of my life. I pray every day that I will have the willingness to learn what those lessons are so that I can get through this fast. I know that one way to get through things is to be willing to learn what you need to learn and sometimes like in tonight's meeting someone said that you have to "practice being satisfied". I really related to this because I always want more and I want it faster NOW! I need to constantly remember to plan the action but leave the results up to God. I am not in control of the results. So I should really not have this "justified resentment" if I look at the past in this way. I planned to have a life with this person and a business but the results did not work out this way, it does not mean that she was wrong or I was, it just did not happen the the manner that I would have liked it to or planned. It is tough to swallow this shit though sometimes. I am working on it. I need to work on being satisfied and getting back to basics. That was a very good statement I heard tonight and one that I hope I can remember and practice! I am satisfied and really always have more than I deserve, shit I should not even be on the planet from screwing up so much when I was drinking and using. I am blessed to be above ground and have the chance to make some better more empowering decisions with the next half of my life. Yes being 40 is staring to sink in but I still feel like I want to hold onto the young 24 year old that just finished partying and wants to go have some more fun. Sobriety and being "an adult" sure as hell is not easy all the time. It is definitely the slower way to roll and to get results but the results once achieved are lasting. I would not trade it for anything today. Sometimes like the other day I was close to really wanting to check out but I realized it was just cuz I was frustrated and being a pussy about the whole thing.. I need to man up and take it one day at a time.

More good news:  I went to Securatas to get a security job and swallow some pride, they said it would take like four to six weeks to get hired and that I may have to shave my beard ya fucken right.. I will work it so I don't have to do that shit. I do like the fact that I can do this on the side though. This will enable me to work a second job and something that I can get some extra $ for to pay back things quicker. The good news is that I got a call from a real nice businessman in Goleta that has been in Property Management for over 30 years. He got my Resume and said he wanted to talk for a bit. We ended up talking for about 45 minutes around lunch today. He sounds like a real nice. honest straight shooting businessman. I am excited to be having lunch with him next Tuesday to discuss a possible opportunity for me to take over his business in a couple years. I will have to obtain my Real Estate License but I have wanted to get that for a long time anyway and that would open up more doors for me anyway. He said that he is looking for someone like me that has the experience in the biz and that is still in my prime and wants to take it to the next level. He wants to get out and enjoy life but still keep some equity in the business. I am looking to settle down and he actually even used the word "nest" here in Santa Barbara. I am definitely looking to do that and what an opportunity this could be for me or anyone. Jobs are incredibly hard to find here in this area and this could be just great and something that I can actually have the power to achieve all of the dreams I have for myself. I want to be doing property management but I want to own my own business as well. I also want to buy some real estate before the market goes back up in a few years. I needed this shot in the arm and bit of hope so bad. I was getting really depressed but still had a seed of hope that something like this would happen. I have been working for it and looking every day. Again plan the action and leave the RESULTS up to God and I am telling you from personal experience and watching others around me in the AA program that no less than actual miracles happen and that things will work out better than what I could have even planned. You just have blind faith and keep on keepin on and things just happen that are even better than what you could have planned. If I don't drink or use and make it though the fire things change and change for the better, always.
Till next time...


Comments

MeekoDev said…
Great blog entry tonight. Sorry we missed each other, I was in Isla Vista.

Trust me, as a 41 year old, it isn't as bad as its made out to be. Even with all my stressors, I feel great!