23rd day of Camping

Well this is getting really old... OK, it is time to get to work now.. I had a phone interview this morning from a Company in the Bay Area. He was cool and said he would call me back next week. This would be a good job for the $ it should be about $65,000 to $75,000 that is not to much for the Bay Area because of the rents being so high. I would find a inexpensive place to live though. Other than that job searching today was nil.

So, I did have a hell of a nap on the beach today with Charby. This is the highlight of our day. We go down to the Goleta Beach by the pier and have lunch together and take a nap listening and watching the waves.  Could be a harder life. I always seem to have exactly what I need and usually more than what I want. I have realized I have some awesome friendships that I have the opportunity to develop. I also feel that my spirit is a lot freerer and that I am much more open to smelling the roses in life now days. Ever since I have been on unemployment and starting the biz and even now I have as peace about me that I really like and am learning to enjoy. When I was working all the time and had all that stress I did not smell the roses at all. I would not have even thought of taking a nap in the afternoon cuz I was caught up in the rat race of paying bills and trying to get more $ and spending more in the process. It is nice to live this beach lifestyle of smelling the roses and experiencing the beauty around me. I guess making the decision to smell the roses even when I go back to work has been worth the whole ordeal here, you always learn something and can always either look at the bad side or the good side of things.

Yesterday I was definitely looking at the bad side of things. I figured it out finally about what I was really  feeling and why I was feeling so bad. I have a "justified resentment" and I was on the pity pot big time about it. a justified resentment is the worst kind of resentment because it something done to you, not what you did to yourself and it is harder to get over. Like I have said I owe my ex $10,000+ dollars and this is a large weight on me more than just regular debt cuz it is my ex ya know. Resentments are the number one offenders for alchohlics and the number one thing that takes us back out. It almost happened to me this week. I was close yesterday to throwing in the towel. I am so glad that my sponsor was there for me and some of my good friends in the program my sponcee is great too! Treetop is a wonderful friend and I consider him my brother. He got so upset because he loves me and does not want to see me depressed. I am loved and have a wonderful family and a group of friends, in AA that  I would not trade for any amount of money. So I really took an inventory about this last relationship and found that I was not so wrong in it that she was. She has admitted her part and is paying her part of the bill so I should not have a resentment I should just suck it up and pay my share. It is just a tough pill to swallow for me. I know if she would have patience with me and the biz that we would be totally fine financially and it bugs the FUCK out of me that it did not work out cuz I loved her too. But if you can;t trust someone you don;t have shit. So I came to the conclusion today to take it one day at a time. If I can pay her back any $ today then I will, if I can't I won't. I can't create magic $ pop out of my ass. I just don't have the ability right now to make the money to pay back right now. I will and as soon as I deal with the resentment and give it to God it will come. I can only do what I can do. I also have this thought in my head that I can't go on and move ahead without first taking care of this debt. I need to change my thinking on this cuz I don't want to put my life on hold just so i can make sure she is taken care of before I get my life back. I deserve more than that. life is short and if she would have had the patience to stick it out then we would have been fine so fuck it I am going to live my life and be good to myself and when I can pay her she will get paid. I am making that decision right now. I won't make any major purchases or anything until she is paid but I can't live for that debt and put everything on hold. I deserve to be happy just as I pray that she is happy and finds what she wants in life. I know what makes me happy and I am going to go out and get it. I will get my business back and I will get on with it. So that is what I learned today. Thanks for listening to my bullshit and till next time..


MeekoDev said…
Next time give me a ring if you need to talk. I have a phone with all those minutes for a reason my friend. Good to see you Sunday, if only briefly.

Take care.