Every time I want to quite my dream God comes up with the next thing for me to do. I wanted to back slide so bad yesterday and go have a smoke and actually have a drink, listen to some music and die. That is how bad I felt and part of the reason was I acted like a little fuck head over a woman and ate a bunch of chocolate (Crack) because I was pulling out my last "sympathy card" for a crush. Jesus Christ what a dumb fuck and what "feelings" can make you do... Anyway I guess this is part of the artist journey and wearing my heart of my sleeve.. I was jonzing for something to fix me be it chocolate, sex, drugs, rock and roll or what the fuck ever and I am proud of myself I made it and walked through the fire. It is always better and life looks different when you come though to the other side. I know what to do and that is have massive willingness and just pray for that and try to have it as much as possible. I did and I got my answer about the crush I had last night in a reading at a meeting. I was, as usual being my selfish self and I was trading "love" instead of giving love without any expectations. It is a hard one to learn to just GIVE and not expect something back. I was reading something this morning and it said all that is important in the end is that you loved. It says "you loved" it does not say that you GOT love back. If you get it back it is a bonus - It was one of those things in the meetings we call "God Shots" answers to prayers or something we are searching for. I didn't necessarily like the answer but I know it is the right one and one I need to embrace if I want to grow spiritually. I still have the crush I guess that is good cuz maybe I will stay single for a while and actually be able to accomplish my fucken goals this time and stop chasing for a while.. I always get so wrapped up in the relationship I loose myself and I can't afford to do that this time. This is my shot at being me and I have to do it all the way no excuses. God is good and anyway the other "God Shot" this morning was I got an e-mail from a gal wanting a Depeche Mode rose tattooed on an urn. I love this concept (hate the band) personally but the art is totally cool and in line with what I want to do so I will do it. It means a lot to my customer so I will do it and I love the rose and think it will look bad ass on a urn.
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