A day of Regrets: I have a couple big regrets in my life today. I am 39 almost 40 now. I think the biggest regret I have is not being able to have or be part of a family and to be unselfish enough to be a good Dad and Husband. Being a sober member of AA now for 15 years is my largest accomplishment to date but I sure have made some serious mistakes along the way. I don't want to shut the door on the past or regret it but I guess sometimes like the way I feel today it comes out of me. I had to write a letter to a person and tell them how very sorry I am today for my past behaviors in this particular family situation I screwed up with a couple years ago. I flaked out on being a Father and that sucks. It was the second time I did that in my life. I feel the biggest regret for those two things. If I got diagnosed with Cancer today and they told me I have 30 days to live the 2 things I would regret the most would be the way in which I handled both of the family situations in my life that had to deal with young boys ages 4-7. I don't know what it is all about with young boys, but I have had the hardest time being there for them and having the patience to deal. Yes, I am totally telling bad on myself right now and I just don't care. I need to get it out and what the hell all this shit effects me and my art so I will call it relative, if you don't like it FUCK YOU! Maybe someone will get something out of me pouring my heart out on this blog. Maybe I was supposed to or meant to be doing this with my life instead of being a Father. Maybe this is the way in which I can contribute to society, by admitting my wrong doings and trying to be a better person on a daily basis? Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself and want to talk about it? Maybe I am a completely nutso fucken weirdo and I am talking to myself on this blog, whatever it is I am going to live true to myslef and put myself out there and what will happen will happen. I think maybe this blog caused me to loose a job today - good for fucken me! I hate dealing with assholes that can't handle or deal with the fucken truth anyway. I find that a lot that people can't handle or want to deal with the TRUTH. The truth of themselves or another persons truth. Thy want to mask it in some way as to not have to deal with it. I live my life very honestly some may say to honestly but fuck it I feel good about my life and it seems like the more honest I live the better I feel and sleep at night.
The first fucked situation: I won't break anyone's anonymity so.. I am not that honest. If someone reads this that knows me and the situation so be it but I don't have the right to put my shit on anyone else.. Anyway, this young man came into my life about 10 years ago I guess (bad with time) and he was a sweetheart and deserved the best home he could possibly have. I was not able to provide that home or be that Dad for him that he needed. It was a situation where I made the decision with my wife at the time to try and adopt a child. We were married for about 4 years by then and my wife (looking back was going through menopause) and want to have a child. I thought to myself oh shit.. I married an older lady (my sweety Jamie) because I knew I was just a couple years sober and didn't know shit about life. I also knew that I was an only child spoiled rotten and might have some difficulty with raising a child. I never really had a burning desire to be a Father but was open to it. We were financially set and I thought what the hell lets try it. I went along with it because I loved my wife and wanted to explore the possibility of adoption. We went through a 6 month class in Riverside County to be able to adopt. The only thing I requested was that they NOT send us a hyper child. What did they give me to try out for a weekend - a little Mexican jumping bean (looking back so cute and lovable) but hyper as hell. The first day actually that night I called the social worker and told her that I could not handle it and that it was not a good fit for me. They just give you the child for a weekend to (see if you guys click) and then you are supposed to make a decision after maybe a couple times seeing the child for the weekend. When I called the social worker that night I remember my wife saying "no way we are keeping him". That was the beginning of the end for us and my attempt at Fatherhood. a couple weeks went by and I was starting to really resent this young man because he was actually breaking up my happy marriage. I started to be mean and treat him badly. So badly actually that I felt I needed to leave after a month or so. I moved out to an apartment. The social worker came by and asked me about this young man and I told her that it all sucked and that I don't want to adopt him and I was regretful because it was breaking up my marriage, etc... The social worker (asshole that she was in my opinion) gave my wife the right to adopt this boy on her own a couple weeks later. I think she was an asshole not because she let her adopt him but because she should have made US all go into therapy before she allowed it to happen if at all. Things I guess worked out the way they were supposed to though.., About a month later my wife calls me and tells me that she has Hep C and that it was far along. Wow.. My life is spiraling, I then do the next selfish thing and that is to charge up about $87,000 in credit card debt in less than a year and go into denial something I am pretty good at looking back on my life. My wife and I remained friend's and we tried to get back together a couple times but I just knew I was not able to have the patience to deal with him and treat him the way he needed to be treated with love and kindness. I regret this deeply. I loved this young man and still do, I wish very badly that he could be part of my life now that I am a little less selfish and have some more experience dealing with kids. Maybe some day I will be lucky enough to have a relationship with him. I have just been able to sit back and watch again someone else take the responsibly of raising him cuz I am not in a position to do so. Can't really financially and probably would be a shit Father too. My wife died and her sister (great person) is raising him along with the other wonderful family members. I wish I could have been better.
Second fucked situation: This time I decide to take on a ready made family with three kids. Two girls and a boy. The Father had recently passed away and I met the woman in AA she had some time sober and she was so gorgeous! She was my "dream girl" perfect body, long beautiful hair, just a beautiful persona all around, I wish she was still in my life actually. I am grateful to this family for the fact that I found out I was not just a complete asshole to kids in general and that I did have the capacity to love children and be kind to them and really love being with them. The two girls were so cool, I LOVE girls and do have a soft spot for them in my heart. They could do no wring and I just had the best time with them. The boy though... we had huge problems. Looking back again I really wish that I had the capacity as a person to be unselfish enough to be able to take a break and do the next right thing and go to counseling to learn how to have patience with him. Instead I chose to do the next selfish thing and blame the Mom and make up some bullshit excuse that she was being mean to me wa wa wa... So I could again run away from my responsibilities as a Father and a Mate. I did run away and life has been a whirlwind from that point to this point. This is the letter I wrote to her tonight having to apologize and the reason why all these feelings are coming up in me. Along with the fact that my Grandmother just took her life 3 weeks ago. Life is short and we only have today to be kind and loving and to not create "regrets" for ourselves to have to look back on. I hope I can not have to have anymore of these regrets in my life. I am older now and I don't want to have kids of my own because of this. I think obviously I was meant ot be a selfish artist haha. Art is my life and I am blessed to have it. I want to be a powerful giver of my art and make a difference in this work that will be lasting in some way. I can't be a Father so maybe I can do something else worthwhile with my life like sponsor people in AA and give my art to the world, etc... Gods will be done not mine. I just have to keep on keeping on and having positive faith that God did not bring me hear to just do this. I am destined to be something better and I am excited to see what that is. I have these two major regrets but also know that things are just the way they are supposed to be and I am not going to lay around on the pity pot. I needed to write this and get it out so maybe I can move on with my life and do something positive.
Thanks to anyone who read this shit and good night..