Paul Thorn: "If I Can Get Over Her"
OK, just a couple days later and I am already eating my own words about what I wrote about not wanting kids in this day and age. I saw a good friend of mines posts about his kids right after I wrote that pretty dam cynical report on not wanting a family cuz I could not support them, etc.. I think today that I was just in a bad frame of mind and that crying bullshit is for the birds. Sometimes I like to wine in this blog and that is OK cuz it is my fucken blog haha. Just offer me some wine with that cheese... I am still hurting from my last relationship.. I use this as therapy to get my feelings out, so that blog post that is a rant may not be the whole view just keep that in mind. That is the problem I guess with writing a blog post and not be being able to look at someone in the eye when they are talking cuz you only get that truth at that time...
Anyway, I have mixed feelings about having kids, I am 40 and I think my time probably has passed anyway but you never know... Maybe God will have a sense of humor and give me a family yet. I am a late bloomer in life that is for sure. I am OK with not having them and I am OK with having them too. I am at the point in my life that I want to do Gods will and I work for him. My primary purpuse is to help another alcholhic and to be of service to others as well. If being of service is raising a family then I will raise a family. If being of service is making art urns with a tatoo machine then I will make them. If going to Hospitals and Instutions to help people with my experience strength and hope I will dot that. I have such a better outlook on my life recently. I realized that I have once again been selfish in my thinking and that is the root of all my problems "self centered fear". I was soooo worried about getting the business off the ground so I could be one day a powerful giver that I was consumed with only one thing in life and that is to be "succesful" in business. I thought that I needed to be sucesful in business to be able to give powwerfully. WRONG! I had my prioritues ass backwards. I needed to flip that around and be of service or give FIRST then work business into the equation in moderation and plan the actions and leave the results up to God. If I worry about the money first and comsume all of my time with that I am not giving anything. I have the charities listed on the site but can never give anything to them cuz the business has not taken off. My new apporch is to be a powerful giver first with the "California Homeless Resources" part of the site and then see what God has in store with it from that point. I am just going to be focused on giving my talents in the best way I know how. I am a web desighner so I am going to do these resources for every City in California. If I do this I may just benifit form it by getting an incredible amount of links and attention to my website. If I don't that is OK too cuz I have seen and experienced the benifit of keeping myself busy helping others and not worrying about it. People are starting to come into my life (God is putting them there) and asking me about my experiebnce being homeless. They are coming to me becuase I have somethnig to give. My experience, strength and hope. It is wonderful to be 16 years sober and actually have something to give. That is whart the promises said would happen and they just keep coming true and coming true in my life. Every time I go through a rough time in sobriety there has beena reason for it. The reson for this last 6 months deal is this website helping the homeless. There will be more challenges I hope if I stay above ground and I will hopefully be able to do Gods will then too but for now I am very happy to have a sence of clarity about what my cuirrent purpose in life is. I hope I never loose sight of it again. My primary purpiose is: to clean house, turst God and help others. That's my formula for a happy and usefull life here on earth. I am happy today because I am able to think of someone else when I wake up in the morning and actually take action to make the world better instead of staying in my head thinking about me all day..
Have a blessed day to all that read this and be happy today - Help someone!
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