Well, I spoke to a bereavement counselor today at the Ventura Hospice and they were totally nice and referred me to the Camarillo Hospice. Sweet lady there.. :) Some of you may have read the blog post I wrote when my Grandmother killed herself last year. I guess I am starting to deal with family suicide... I don't know for sure. I do know I shoved the feelings down cuz I was in "Survival Mode" just before loosing my apartment/studio. Since I have been in my room to rent here in Ventura for the last 10 days after spending 6 months "Camping" I have had some feelings that I can't really put my finger on. I just know that when I start to act obsessive and do stupid shit it is time to check the mental state. I guess thank God I can recognize that much. I think a lot of these weird feelings are centered around my Grandmothers death and around the intense loss I have had in the past few years. I wrote the loss down and this is what I came up with:
Loss that has occurred in the last 3 years.
- Grandmother shot herself
- Grandfather died
- Mom is addicted to drugs and we don’t speak
- My Job
- Lost my dog
- Had a bad breakup! That effected me in number of negative ways
- Lost my home – Was homeless for 6 months
- Lost my studio equipment
- Lost my motorcycle
I will be going to my first bereavement meeting tonight at 6:30. We will see how it goes.. I am proud of myself for not getting those 2 chocolate bars and isolating in my room today. I am getting into action and trying to be part of the solution. I almost did but got my ass to a meeting and saw a good friend from Santa Barbara. I came home and called Hospice and will take positive action for myself the rest of the day. I refuse to feel sorry for myself but do have to find a way to deal with this life stuff. I do still believe that I have "quality problems". So many have it so much worse and I am grateful for my life shit..
I will keep blogging about the truth and my feelings, Matt :)